Dr. John McKinnon is the author of An Unchanged Mind, a book about delayed maturity, as well as the forthcoming To Change a Mind, which discusses how parents can help nudge kids along to mature functioning.

He (and we) have noted the Times' ongoing series about the psychology of teens, and this week, that has been extended to our society's child-like twenty somethings. Here's what Dr. McKinnon had to say, a bit more insightful than my grumblings about the undependable, drifting "adults" I often bump into in my own life:

Have you seen the piece about delayed psychological development in the NY Times Magazine?

From where I sit, of course, this reframing of the 20's as a new "stage of emerging adulthood" strikes me as a cheerful re-packaging of "stuck" adolescence and delayed arrival of adult character structure and responsibility.

This account seems filled with the benign possibilities provided by yet another decade of self-preoccupation and delayed maturity. The implicit message is that maybe this is somehow really a great thing.  I must say, however, that few of our parents, who are fed up with academic and economic fecklessness, the persistence of inconsiderate arrogance, goal-lessness and selfish, childish moral reasoning (oddly soft-pedaled in the NYT account) share this optimistic viewpoint.

I'll be intrigued to hear what people think about the piece.  Surely it marks the arrival of "maturity" as a major issue in the sophisticated lay press, even if contemporary psychiatry has not yet recognized the problem.

David Tresemer, Ph.D., co-author of One Two ONE, shares with us his experience at a recent event, which proved to be a success!

From David:

We decided to promote our new book, One-Two-ONE, and the DVD, Couple’s Illumination, both about relationships, by taking a tiny booth (7 feet by 7 feet) at a large public trade fair — huge showroom, 120 booths, a special room with 50 psychics at 50 square tables (with a chair for the client – the line formed quickly each morning to sign up for these readings of all sorts), clairvoyants with microphones on one of three stages, purveyors of fine chocolate, aura jewelry, exercise equipment, etc., all sorts of loosely connected things and services, also Scientology and aura photographs!. Over four days, 17,000+ people came through. It was exhausting and fascinating to watch all the different kinds of people. We put up a sign that said “Free Brief Relationship Tune-Up,” and had dozens of people come in for this little exercise (“In Whose Name”) from our book – totally fun, and we think very useful to many. We met some great people, and in the end, we don’t think we’ll ever do that again. Our two back-ups got sick, so we were there all day every day. We might help out with such a venture in the future, but not do it all day every day. We gave two talks on two different stages, well attended, and that felt positive. And we sold books and DVDs!>

.

Additionally, here is a quick excerpt from One Two ONE:

We know of a wedding where Uncle Robert couldn't stand the name "God" to be uttered, and threatended to walk out of the room if it was. Uncle Robert's views were so strong that they ruled what was said and not said. The couple backed down and did not include a reference to the name of power that they felt unified them. They wished to offend no one. One must ask: Whose wedding is this? Can a couple find a way to invite people to support them in shaping the Sacred Space that they choose, and ask the visitors to leave their judgments at the door?


In a wedding that we facilitated, the father of the groom insisted that the wedding could not truly legitimate unless the name of Jesus Christ was prominent. Even though the wedding couple did not have a relationship with Jesus Christ, we were able to craft a section where we made a bridge between the names in which they were marrying - "Sacred Union" and "Love" - and Jesus Christ, thus recognizing the importance of the father's beliefs as part of his uprightness and integrity as an ancestor.

Chiron Publications, which is distributed by Lantern, is the premier publisher of books on analytical psychology in the United States.

Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961) was a Swiss psychiatrist and the founder of the analytical psychology that now bears his name. Many of Chiron's titles deal specifically with Jung's theories and ideas, but some are more relevant to Jung's life and thought. In C. G. Jung: The Fundamentals of Theory and Practice, Elie Humbert brings a unique understanding of Jung's ideas, developed over many years within the atmosphere of French psychoanalytic thought. In C. G. Jung: His Friendships with Mary Mellon and J.B. Priestley William Schoenl uncovers two long-lasting relationships that influenced three important voices in twentieth-century ideas. Now revised, Jung; His Life and Work by one of his leading intepreters and emanuenses Barbara Hannah is the most encompassing guide, while Young Carl Jung presents a fascinating psycho-biography of the man who became one of the leading guides to the soul in the last two hundred years.

Facing the Dragon is a book-length essay that attacks the related problems of human evil, spiritual narcissism, secularism and ritual, and grandiosity. Author Robert L. Moore dares to insist that we stop ignoring these issues and provides clear-sighted guidance for embarking on a corrective course.

The Jewel in the Wound: How the Body Expresses the Needs of the Psyche and Offers a Path to Transformation tells the compelling story of how author Rose-Emily Rothenberg‘s disfiguring scars guided her search for a connection with her mother, who died at her birth and, ultimately, led to her own psychological development. Movingly told from a Jungian perspective and in the intimate context of analysis, it is not only the autobiography of a person with a lifelong dedication to understanding the psyche, it is a portrayal of the unconscious as it reveals itself throughout the course of that person’s life.

The Heart is the meeting place of the individual and the divine: the inner ground of morality, authenticity, and integrity. The process of coming to the Heart and realizing the person we were meant to be is what Carl Jung called "Individuation." This path is full of moral challenges for anyone with the courage to take it up. Using Jung’s premise (that the main causes of psychological problems are conflicts of conscience) The Heart of the Matter takes the reader through the philosophical and spiritual aspects of the ethical dimensions of this individual journey toward wholeness.

Thresholds of Initiation by Joseph Henderson explores the initiatory rites that marked the lives of individuals and how we need to recapture their essence for wholeness and healthiness. Love Is All Around in Disguise by Irene Dugan and Avis Clendenen combines the wisdom of Ignatian spirituality with the insights of depth psychology, with specific attention to gender differences in psychospiritual development. In Creative Envy, Carlos Byington attempts to rescue the power of this much misunderstood driver of creativity, while in Lectures on Jung’s Aion, Barbara Hannah and Marie-Louise von Franz examine of Jung’s major later works on the Sumerian god.

For centuries, oneirophants have sought to understand the mystery of dreams: what they tell us about ourselves, the future, and our needs and aspirations. In this collection of books from Jungian psychologists and published by Chiron Publications, which is distributed by Lantern, various authors examine the meaning of dreams and explore the symbols that often appear in them and are reflected in the outside world.

In Let Your Body Interpret Your Dreams, Eugene T. Gendlin describes a further theory of dream interpretation, by showing how your body's reactions to dreams can teach you what the dream is speaking to you. First, you will discover what the dream is about, and secondly, you will learn something new from the dream that will aid your own development.

Animals are of great symbolic significance to us: both when we're asleep and when we're conscious. In Animal Life in Nature, Myth, and Dreams, Elizabeth Caspari connects the world of real, living animals with the symbolic world of animal images in human thought. This book, fully illustrated with color photos, is a study of animals: their natural history, mythology, folklore, and religious significance around the world as well as their role in our lives, dreams, and everyday language. In The Archetypal Symbolism of Animals, Barbara Hannah, a student and close friend of C.G. Jung, presents lectures on the symbolic meaning of several domestic and wild animals, and illustrates how our animal nature can become the psychic source of renewal and natural wholeness.

A Practical Peacemaker Ponders . . .

I've been reading a biography of Jim Morrison this weekend. I've never considered myself a serious fan, really--never read his poetry, never completely listened to or bought any of The Doors albums. Yet I remember clearly that when I first heard "Light My Fire" on the radio, I was washing dishes in the kitchen of my family's home. I was stunned, stopping what I was doing until the song was over. Usually only in the case of major family or political events do we recall decades later where we were at the time something happened.

Morrison's life is riveting, both for his brilliance and his breathtaking excesses. He could be monumentally immature and offensive as well as charming. What struck me throughout, though, was the degree to which his life was infused by an insistence on authenticity. Here was someone who gave all he had to the search for truth and, although his drug and alcohol binges interfered, to the development of his talents. He didn't let anyone else's expectations steal his time or energy.

I was reminded of something I tell my audiences when I'm talking about my book The Practical Peacemaker. I encourage those interested in peace to reduce their media consumption, for several reasons: to avoid taking in advertising that makes them buy products they don't need, as well as countless images of violence, and to free up time to spend with family, perhaps, or to get some exercise. Then I say something like this: who knows what unique talents you may have that never get developed if you spend too much time watching TV or checking Facebook? We all have special gifts and creative ideas to contribute, but these may lay hidden our whole lives if we fill our spare time with idle entertainment.

Morrison, especially early on, had that kind of focus, a dedication to developing his gifts that eliminated distractions. For one summer before he was famous he lived rent-free on the roof of an apartment building, with the building manager's permission, so that he wouldn't need to have a job. Think about anyone you admire for achieving something great. It may be an artist, activist, or someone in another field. I'm betting that person cleared out most or all possible distractions and diversions from their life in order to pursue the goal they sought.

I'm thinking about my own life and invite you to do likewise. What would it take for you and me to develop an unshakeable commitment to our inner life, to bringing forth what we came here to express? What changes would we need to make, what would we need to give up, to clear the time and energy? What would it look like to "break on through to the other side?"

"I am not mad," Morrison wrote in the last year of his life. "I am interested in freedom."

The Practical Peacemaker’s Bookshelf

Are you an introvert? If you are, as I am, and have sometimes felt like an alien visitor among friends, family, and co-workers, I highly recommend The Introvert Advantage; How to Thrive in an Extrovert World, by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D.

It’s so comforting to find not only support for being the way we are, but also a clear understanding of how it actually gives us an advantage! Introverts have “the ability to focus deeply, the capacity to observe, a propensity for thinking outside the box, the strength to make unpopular decisions, and the potential to slow the world down a notch,” Laney writes. We have the patience and determination to stick with a problem until we solve it, an essential quality for scientists and inventors, among others. Some well-known entertainers are introverts as well. If you feel misunderstood, remind yourself of these famous people who are/were introverts: Clint Eastwood, Thomas Edison, Harrison Ford, Bill Gates, Katherine Graham (late owner of The Washington Post), Sir Alfred Hitchcock, Michael Jordan, Grace Kelly, Abraham Lincoln, Steve Martin, Gwyneth Paltrow, Michele Pfeiffer, and Charles Schulz (Peanuts cartoonist).

Perhaps you’re not sure whether you’re an introvert or not? The book contains quizzes and personal journal exercises to clarify that, and to deepen your understanding of your preferences and needs. We also need to understand how extroverts operate and what they need, since they make up seventy-five percent of the population. You’ll find advice on interacting with extroverts in the contexts of relationships, parenting, socializing, and working.

Laney went on to write The Introvert & Extrovert in Love, and The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child. Her insights can increase our appreciation of ourselves and improve our relationships with others. Check them out!

Today I'm thinking about media saturation. In The Practical Peacemaker, I cite a study of several thousand people who were asked to track their media consumption. The results showed the average time spent on three media—Internet, TV, and radio—is a whopping nine hours per day! This does not include video games, Twitter, etc. When you consider how many non-job hours the average person has after eating, showering, commuting, doing the laundry, and the dozens of other tasks that need to be done, this is huge. Although there is some quality programming available, most of what we take in is filled with violent images, celebrity scandals, and advertising that tries to make us dissatisfied with who we are and what we have. Media consumption encourages isolation and a sedentary lifestyle. Not very peaceful, is it? And think of what else we could be doing with that time—sharing an attentive meal with family members and friends, developing our talents, exercising to stay healthy, or volunteering for a worthwhile project, among other options. Do we really want to spend this much of our precious life passively absorbing media content, or do we just get drawn in against our better judgment? Does the way we spend our time reflect our highest intentions for our lives?

Recently I picked up a book by sociologist and cultural commentator Todd Gitlin. He speaks eloquently to my concern—and perhaps yours, as well—about the numbing and dumbing effects of media saturation. The following is from his book Media Unlimited: How the Torrent of Images and Sounds Overwhelm Our Lives:

"Crucially, who we are is how we live our time—or spend it, to use the term that registers its intrinsic scarcity. What we believe, or say we believe, is less important. We vote for a way of life with our time. And increasingly, when we are not at work or asleep, we are in the media torrent."

As practical peacemakers, we need to be mindful of how much media we take in. What kind of life will you vote for with your time?

Have you ever had the experience of someone misunderstanding your behavior? Not long ago, in a conversation with a relative, I was astonished to learn that he had completely misinterpreted something I had done months before. He knows I try to do the right thing environmentally, and drive a small, fuel-efficient car. He had earlier bought an SUV, and I said nothing derogatory about that. He had explained his choice by saying that a large car, higher up off the ground, was more comfortable for him (he is a large person).

On the occasion of the misinterpreted action, I was visiting him and his family, and we were all going out to dinner. There were two cars available to take us, a compact car and his SUV. Remembering that he had said he was uncomfortable getting into small cars low to the ground, and due to habit, I got into the compact car, so that he could ride in the SUV. I did this both going to the restaurant and returning. I thought nothing of it at the time, but recently he told me he thought I was expressing my disapproval of his SUV by refusing to ride in it!

Similarly, Ajahn Brahm, a Western Buddhist monk trained in Thailand, made this point in a talk to several hundred people. Some years ago, when some scandals surfaced about sexual misconduct among monks in Thailand, Ajahn Brahm told his audience, “I have a confession to make. This is not easy . . . ” He hesitated. “I spent some of the happiest hours of my life . . .” Another pause. “ . . . in the loving arms of another man’s wife. We hugged, we caressed, we kissed.” He hung his head and stared at the carpet.

He could hear gasps of shock all around, and saw hands covering mouths in disbelief: “Oh, no, not him!” After a pause for effect, Ajahn Brahm explained—have you guessed it?—that the woman was his mother, and it happened when he was a baby. She was another man’s wife—his father’s—and they did hug, caress, and kiss. The audience exploded in laughter and relief. He pointed out that even though they heard the words from his own mouth, and their meaning seemed clear, many in the audience had jumped to an entirely wrong conclusion.

Misinterpretation can lead to anger, rejection, and despair. As practical peacemakers, we can be as clear as possible about our own behavior to reduce the possibility of mistaken interpretation by others. Knowing how easily false assumptions can be made, however, we also need to be careful not to jump to conclusions about the statements and actions of others.

Kate Lawrence and Keith Akers, both Lantern authors, are celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary during this Valentine’s week. Here are some of their thoughts on long term love, first Kate’s, then Keith’s.

Kate writes:

We’ve long been Beatles fans, but this song of theirs is hopelessly naive. At the beginning, yes, love is all you need, if love is defined as the attraction to, affinity with, and affection for, a partner. There’s enough juice in the discovery, passion, and getting to know each other to last for awhile, but—I doubt this is news—it ain’t gonna cut it for the long haul. Eventually, the partner’s little annoying habits begin to bleed through the bliss. You discover that, for all that you have in common, you are also different, and some values may actually be in conflict with each other. You also have to deal with problematic people outside the relationship. Gradually you realize you’re going to need some solid relationship skills to provide a foundation for long term love. But before I get to that, let me tell all you romantics out there how our love began.

Permit me to say this about Lantern's exceptional new book, due for publication in November and entitled An Unchanged Mind: The Problem of Immaturity in Adolescence by Harvard psychiatrist Dr. John A. McKinnon, MD: I wish I were publishing this book myself. The reason being, and by way of introduction, I am the publisher of American Mental Health Foundation Books. AMHF is a nonprofit research organization that has been around since 1924. We know something about long-lasting quality. This new book, on a topic of intense interest for parents, grandparents, and guardians has it all the way.

Adolescent behavior in its extreme forms is always in the news. The New York Times magazine, just a few days ago (September 14, 2008), ran a long story on bipolar disorder in children. Adolescence is the most stressful prolonged period of human development. It is complicated and pressure-packed under any circumstances—especially so when caregiving adults are faced with issues of arrested development and disrupted maturation.

How important are mentors? Let's just say that everyone I've ever met who was stuck in their life or career was severely under-mentored. In olden days, mentoring was probably more of an automatic process: you grew up working alongside your parents on the farm, or apprenticed with a craftsperson or local business owner. These days, you often have to work a little harder to find mentors.

Mentoring is generally a more expansive, less-structured form of teaching in which you gain not just knowledge, but wisdom and perspective. Mentors are particularly useful for life and career planning, and for guiding you through complex projects that would be hard to learn solely through books: for instance, art, science and entrepreneurship. Mentors are also often well connected, and use their connections to help their mentees. A single phone call from a mentor may be all it takes to get you a new job or a new customer for your business. Small wonder that proper mentoring can take years or even decades off the time it takes you to succeed at your goals—or spell the difference between success and failure.

1. A Serious Rejection

I’ve been a professional writer for decades, and while editors sometimes send my work back for revision, it’s been a long time since a piece was rejected outright. Well, recently it happened, and big time. The rejection itself was cruel—the editor not only critiqued the article itself, but the ideas underlying it, and in pretty harsh language—and, moreover, the essay in question was one I was really proud of, and had labored hard on.

To make matters worse, I had been "courting" this publisher (a liberal blog) for more than a year. I also thought that if they ran my piece it would not only give me huge credibility, but huge exposure—possibly even a career breakthrough. So there was a lot riding on this particular submission.

And, to top it off, this rejection came on the heels of a bunch of other professional and personal ones. So, taken all together, it was a depressing scenario. I actually wrote a friend/mentor a very depressed note in which I described the situation and wondered "whether I’m on the right path."

I have been looking for this citation, on and off, for months. Thought it was either from the New York Times or Wall Street Journal, but can't find it, so maybe I'm wrong. If one of you have it, please share!

It was an article about luck. It said that people who believe themselves to be lucky often do wind up lucky, in part because they keep looking for solutions to problems long after the people who believe themselves to be unlucky give up. In other words, optimism yields luck.

That's the meaning of Winter Solstice, and why this week is a good one.

For sunlight junkies like me, the most important astronomical event of the year takes place at the end of this week—Saturday, December 22 at 6:08 a.m., to be exact. Yee haw, it's midwinter, the longest night, the festival of lights, the solar new year (if you're in the northern hemisphere). Fly a kite from your roof, sniff evergreens, build a bonfire, dance and make celebratory noise with your coconut grater!

If my excitement seems out of place, see what Wikipedia has to say about the therapeutic properties of celebrating the passing winter solstice: